Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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