I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
