Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
