paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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