Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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