he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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