4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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