3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you never un-have a 4some
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
