I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
