Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
