I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
