yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
