Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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