I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
