WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
