my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
