what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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