I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
