Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
