soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
