I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
