If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
