for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
