I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
