I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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