Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
