yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.