i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
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So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
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Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.