I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im so drunk with asians
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.