Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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