I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
