Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
