I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
