I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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