well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
