i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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