dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
