Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
