my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
