Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
