I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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