then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
