Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want her autograph on my taint
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
