I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
