I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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