Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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