I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
