just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
