My first STD was from a foam party
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
