I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
