I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
