I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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