Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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