What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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