I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize