dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
