Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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