New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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