my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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