turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My ass is underappreciated
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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