Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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